Behavioral Hierarchy...creeper

So when I was interviewing for my current job, they sent me an online personality profile to fill out. Now I'm hired and they've given me the results...I'm supposed to go through the packet, highlight what I disagree with, and then read something about a "discovery process to success."

Once I started reading all the bullshit jargon, I pulled out my highlighter, poised to wield my denial and prove with neon yellow that I am NOT what some heartless quizzing machine takes me to be...

I'm afraid to finish reading it now because I'm waiting for the paragraph that says, "Although her initial reaction to this report will be that of rejection, she will become somewhat uncomfortable as she realizes the truth within it, wondering why a machine is more efficient at navel-gazing than herself or an overpaid therapist, and then express her emotions to the world in a concealed manner (probably via a 'blog'). This may be a blessing, or a curse, to her superiors."

For reals, that last sentence is in my report. Creepily, within 10 minutes of finishing the report, I now have a much better understanding of myself. It's written in a way that suggests how to get management to make me as productive as possible, and I'm wondering how closely everyone here is following it. I'm utterly paranoid.

Ok, so I'm weirded out. Here are my favorite bits: "When others try to rush her, she feels threatened and may balk." "Her concentration may be intense." "...an anchor of reality in a sea of confusion." "She projects a good poker face." (watch out---she's probably lying to you). "Others may get the feeling that she is unfriendly, when in reality she is not." (she sort of comes off as a bitch).

"In order for her to perform at an optimal level she needs...rewards in terms of tangible things."(...what are they suggesting, i want sexual favors as a reward for neat excel sheets? a plasma tv for getting boxes shipped?)

A little booklet comes with the report and I'm supposed to focus on 3 qualities I should change to make me a better worker. As if I were in first grade, the front page says Talents of: _______ and my name.


This is ridic. I need a vacation already.