Behavioral Hierarchy...creeper

So when I was interviewing for my current job, they sent me an online personality profile to fill out. Now I'm hired and they've given me the results...I'm supposed to go through the packet, highlight what I disagree with, and then read something about a "discovery process to success."

Once I started reading all the bullshit jargon, I pulled out my highlighter, poised to wield my denial and prove with neon yellow that I am NOT what some heartless quizzing machine takes me to be...

I'm afraid to finish reading it now because I'm waiting for the paragraph that says, "Although her initial reaction to this report will be that of rejection, she will become somewhat uncomfortable as she realizes the truth within it, wondering why a machine is more efficient at navel-gazing than herself or an overpaid therapist, and then express her emotions to the world in a concealed manner (probably via a 'blog'). This may be a blessing, or a curse, to her superiors."

For reals, that last sentence is in my report. Creepily, within 10 minutes of finishing the report, I now have a much better understanding of myself. It's written in a way that suggests how to get management to make me as productive as possible, and I'm wondering how closely everyone here is following it. I'm utterly paranoid.

Ok, so I'm weirded out. Here are my favorite bits: "When others try to rush her, she feels threatened and may balk." "Her concentration may be intense." "...an anchor of reality in a sea of confusion." "She projects a good poker face." (watch out---she's probably lying to you). "Others may get the feeling that she is unfriendly, when in reality she is not." (she sort of comes off as a bitch).

"In order for her to perform at an optimal level she needs...rewards in terms of tangible things."(...what are they suggesting, i want sexual favors as a reward for neat excel sheets? a plasma tv for getting boxes shipped?)

A little booklet comes with the report and I'm supposed to focus on 3 qualities I should change to make me a better worker. As if I were in first grade, the front page says Talents of: _______ and my name.


This is ridic. I need a vacation already.

ohboyohboyohboy

two minutes til quitting time!


....imagine how i'm going to feel 40 years from now at 5:58pm.

gawd.

Tomorrow is the first day of my grown-up job! I hope they don't eat me!

cue good riddance

i have a job. and maybe an apartment. and i graduate tomorrow. eek!

more on this later!

woooooo graduation!

I'm graduating (from CAS, at least) in a couple of hours. However, I still have a final Monday for metaphysics that cannot be blown off (lest I want to lose a major).

Seriously. It's so ridic and I would've complained but I was too busy trying to find a job. So I'm thinking, bring the notes to graduation? It would be akin to the time I brought physics notes to a Radiohead concert---hey, I was young and really stupid in high school.

I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing in four years once I've graduated from denial of unemployment to welfare.

Haha, no just kidding. Things will be okay. Things will be okay, MB. Just never forget how desperate-sounding you were during May '08. and you weren't even drunk!

Liveblogging: an all-nighter

I've read this about 25 times and come to the conclusion that it makes absolutely no sense:

For an item to be the object of some psychological attitude of yours may be simply for you to be placed in a context which relates you to that thing. What makes it one rather than the other of a pair of identical twins that you are in love with? Certainly not some specification blueprinted in your mind; it may be no more than this: it was one of them and on the other that you met.

I mean, maybe I'm just delirious at this point, but where did the twins come from? ok...i read it a 26th time and it's starting to make more sense.

also, facebook is down. i guess that's good for me, but my second-order volition is that it was working.

ooh the sky is a pretty royal blue.

why am i still a student?

I had my last day of class on Monday. Uneventful. I'm pretty much not sleeping and surviving off sugar and caffeine, so I'm on a pretty steady high and have no emotion. I'm sure I'm going to crack soon...I can't keep this up for long.

I loved it today when during a job interview, the woman asked me what I see myself doing in 10 years. Really? 10 years? What about 10 days? Because that's the amount of time I have to pull my life together---I need to not fail everything that I've been working 4 years towards, find a place to live, and get a source of income. It also looks as if I'm going to have to get my wisdom teeth removed, too. So do not talk to me about years because at this point, I am not going to live that long since I will have spent my time living on the streets of New York with impacted teeth and not enough money to buy my daily elixirs of grande mocha light frappucinos. In short: I am dying.

Now that I've addressed the elephant in my metaphorical room (God, if only I could just live there), I can get to the other weirdness in my interview today. I'm not so sure it was an interview as much as it was a "OOoooh you interned at my favorite TV show! Tell me all about it!" I mean, I'm glad it gives you so much joy but please give me job, I need money. Other than that, it went well--probably because I've become an emotionless zombie and I find that nothing really excites me these days, but everything terrifies me (homelessness!). It sounds like depression but it's graduation.

I really just want to get some sleep. I think tomorrow night I will have this bottle of red wine sitting on my desk with the sole intention of getting drunk and passing out in my bed by 10pm.

In other news, Myanmar? Geez. I can't even read about it because then I'll get all existential and not even bother studying for finals. :(

In other other news, are we still talking about the 08 presidential election? I mean, isn't it time to start talking about 2012? We have GOT to get a head start on this stuff and analyze the hell out of it. There is nothing I hate more than the lazy media waiting til the last second to get their celeb pundits yelling at each other.

I'm rather grateful that there's all that distraction, though...it gives everyone I know something else to focus on rather than pesky personal questions like "what are your plans?"...and I'm rethinking my response of "being awesome" to "impending doom."

Hopefully the world will end before I have to go look at anymore apartments in Brooklyn or ask about health care plans. That would definitely kill two birds with one stone.

Grumpy old woman alert

Ahhh, finally there is silence in my room.

Chewing with your mouth open has got to be the most reprehensible thing that you can't be incarcerated for (unfortunately).

I don't get the smacking. Why do you want to create so much noise? How can you possibly have any friends who aren't pigs that would put up with that?

Manners don't cost anything, and proper chewing is something you can learn quickly.

I feel like I'm a pretty patient person, but loud eating is something I really can't handle well.

ugh i have got to go to therapy for this. it's putting a major crimp in my home life....and my ability to not throw up in my mouth.